I recently read that Christina Hendricks suggests a classy dude should always order Scotch.  Scotch is awful.  I would only order Scotch if Christina Hendricks was buying it for me.  I will never order Scotch.

I picked up a six-pack of New Belgium Brown Ale or something like that last night.  I enjoyed two bottles before bedtime, without any doctor’s and/or advertiser’s order.

Well, that about wraps up my thoughts for the day.  Goodnight, Diarrhea.  See you in the morning.

P.S.  Crabcakes like a motherfucker, yo.

*$3D – The 3D goggles cost $3 in addition to ticket prices.  Very crafty, Hollywood.

† Goes great with any and all Mountain Dew® products.

Anyways, it’s usually at this point (where my weight is me + clothes) that I will continue to take a load off (me + clothes – waste).  I walk across the hall to the bathroom (it indeed features a bath/shower combo, though will never be called the “showerroom” due to the double-r) and in this instance tonight, thought I would be visiting for a short duration.  It turned out I had consumed far more beverages (Sprite/Pibb cocktails) than I had factored into my estimated pee-time.  I was there for a while – constant stream.

Now, I don’t want you to mistake me for a person who thinks to write about each and every extended use of my endocrine system (I wanted the alliteration, the pretentiousness is a side-effect).  Tonight’s instance provoked this blog because I live with my parents.  One of which was standing on the other side of the bathroom door, no doubt able to hear the lengthy cause for my visit.  I don’t want to think much about what assumptions may’ve been made…  that I may’ve just returned via drunk driving after binge drinking?  I had actually just returned from seeing Adventureland (which is fantastic).  Honest-times, dude!  It’s situations exactly like this one tonight, that exemplify why a 24-year old male should not live at home with his parents.  I should be able to enjoy a super long pee… not worry about possible reprocussions (not that my parents will say anything, but their minds may make a couple asses of you and me… or theirselves).  I don’t want to think about peeing.

Two Lovers

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix & Gweneth Paltrow

Featuring: Cute chick from some other films (Vinessa Shaw) & delightful old Jews

“Joaquin’s last film!”  Bummer, dude.  That guy has got some chops as any leading slightly-not-normal hunk (and now that Ledger is gone, it’s really just him and Bale).  Unfortunately, supposedly, it’s all up to Mr. Bale now as Phoenix has become a maker of hip-hop music.  Joaq Hard actually performs a free-style in the movie – it’s mediocre, even for a white guy.  The rest of the movie plays above the mediocre line as an interesting melodrama.  The Phoenix’s character recently had an engagement called off and moved back in with his dry cleaning parents, in whose apartment building he meets Paltrow’s enormous bag of emotional luggage.  He takes a shine to her, but just expressed interest in the girl his parents want him to get with – her parents are buying their dry cleaning business.  LOVE TRIANGLE ON, LET’S GO!  <spoiler>As in real life, things don’t really end all smiley and happy-in-lovey.</spoiler>  The shock of the non-Holly’wild ending takes some time to sit in, but ages well.  I’d suggest seeing it (just not with your significant other – unless you want to be more miserable).

The Class

Starring: The French author of the book the movie is based on

Featuring: A bunch of asshole kids & one nice, Asian boy

Want to be a teacher?  Are you already a teacher?  I admire your spirit.  As I’ve previously stated on this blog, kids are assholes – terrible little jerks, undeservingly protected from attitude-correction by child abuse laws.  In The Class, one poor man is faced with a diverse French class full of these bastards.  Every class is a struggle, but how can they (the teachers at this school) get the kids to behave?  They have to be reprimanded, but what is the most effective way to do that without stifling their education?  The film allows us to observe that dilemma and understand both sides of the coin can land face down.  If you need any more reason to respect teachers, see this film.  If you need any more reason to respect your child for not failing out of school and becoming a prostitute/pizza-maker, see this movie.  If nether of those options, eh… whateverz.

I’m hoping to screen Sunshine Cleaners this evening after close.  Emily Blunt… mmmmm.  Amy Adams… mmmmm.  I’ll try to post a review of it in a more timely fashion than the last four, but can promise nothing.  I am a man easily tempted to get away from the computer where I can only check GMail, Facebook, Twitter, and Pirates’ scores (16-14-2 in Spring Training) on my celly-phone.  Sometimes, I also Google answers to the New York Times Crossword… but only when I feel like I should absolutely know the answer and I don’t.  Don’t judge me, word snobs!

I Love You, Man
Starring: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, & Rashida Jones
Featuring: Ian Roberts, Rob Huebel, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Tom Lennon, Matt Walsh, Jon Favreau, etc. etc. etc.

Given that I knew I was going to enjoy I Love You, Man from the moment I heard about it, there was a lot of room for disappointment when sitting down for my first of eventually two theatrical viewings of this movie. What!?! If I’ve already let you know that I saw ILY,M twice, why even read any further? I obviously enjoyed it quite a bit to justify a second screening!?! True. I loved the movie as only a man can love a movie. I empathized with Segel’s character as many of my friends are in relationships and can’t enjoy Billytime™ whenever I’d like. While I don’t empathize with Rudd’s character (I’ve never had a girlfriend/fiance/friend anywhere near as cute as Rashida Jones – playing the role of most perfect girlfriend of all time), he’s so charming that it’s not hard to see what Segel’s character sees in the guy. I thoroughly enjoyed the number of funny person cameos all over the movie. Everybody was funny and it really seemed that every scene was shot to its comedic limit, given the parts involved. John Hamburg (writer/director) has another movie due out this year (according to IMDB), entitled The Troubleshooter. As solid as the writing and style of ILY,M are, I’m adding The T’shooter to my list of movies I’ll be seeing later this year. As for I Love You, Man, I can’t wait for the DVD release. I’d go see it in theaters a third time if I had that kind of expendable income (I don’t).

Duplicity
Starring: Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts side-boob, & Clive Owen
Featuring: Paul Giamati & Tom Wilkinson

When I sat down for Duplicity, all I wanted was to waste two hours of a boring day. Michael Clayton writer/director, Tony Gilroy strikes again with a seemingly cliche story carried by marquee names and once again, succeeds in making a watchable film. I’m not quite sure how old Julia Roberts is by now, but when I saw she was rocking the Erin Bra-kovich look, I didn’t care. Cougar? Yes Ms. Roberts, I will stare at giant you for two hours. Having that plus LL Cool Clive Owen equals win. The best part of the movie isn’t the back & forth with Roberts/Owen though (despite the previously noted side-boob action). Giamati and Wilkinson are two of the best characters in the business. I have enjoyed everything that I’ve seen from both (emphasizing, “that I’ve seen”) and setting them up against one another was as clever a casting choice as any of the writing in the film. The payoff of the film is laughable, but in a way that doesn’t take anything away from the set-up. In Gilroy, we can trust A-List actors.

Now, originally I had planned to do four reviews here and I still intend to… but something has come up. One of my buddies wants to get some lunch and that sounds so much better than sitting here for another thirty minutes, so don’t hold it against me how scattered that second review was, eh? I’ll post my thoughts on Two Lovers and The Class tomorrow… Deal? Jesus and I love you.

Barney Frank investigating wrongdoing in the financial sector is like O.J. looking for Nicole and Ron’s murderer.
— W.D.M. taxpayer

Wuh-ho-hooo!  The times must be hard when the citizens of West Des Moines are getting this sassy!  Remember when Barney Frank was responsible for wrongdoing in the financial sector, then tried by a jury of his peers and found not guilty of wrongdoing?  Remember when the families effected by his wrongdoing then proceeded to sue him and won?  Then, Barney Frank spent some time laying low and playing golf (also writing a book: If I Had Committed Wrongdoing in the Financial Sector) before holding up some sucka’s who had taken some of his government memorabilia!  Barney Frank is a murderer.

What’s with candy prices? My local store sells them for $1.09. That’s out of control.
— Northwest Iowa girl

Candy prices are ridiculous!  Thank goodness ‘NW IA g’ is taking some initiative in calling out these price-gauging local stores!  How am I supposed to get fatter in these trying economic times?  I purchased three peanut butter/chocolate, egg-shaped, treats last night at a Walgreens for the insane price of $2.00.  TWO WHOLE DOLLARS FOR THREE DELICIOUS EGG-SHAPED TREATS!?!   Ya’ know what?  Maybe I’m out of control?  Maybe we’re all out of control?  Mmmmmmmmm.  Candy.

If you believe increasing your kids’ allowance will solve your family financial problems, then you believe the kind of spending in this stimulus package is correct.
— Parent of 5

This person is probably a good parent.  I can’t argue this (mostly because I agree the new stimulus package is ridiculous).  However, your kids probably do deserve a better allowance… Minimum wage is $7.25/hour now, so I’d base their pay on that.  I’d suggest giving them a pay stub that shows what percentage of their pay goes towards health care and a college savings plan (a ’101k’).  Also, if you employ the “I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do myself” strategy of chore delegation, make sure that’s true.  Your children may have a hard time forgiving your hypocrisy later in life.

U.S. businesses have always had an “English-speaking only” stance. They probably felt every immigrant was wise enough to learn the language to live and do business here. I see it as a slam that the government and businesses don’t feel Hispanics can learn English, so they print in both. I’d be mad if I were Hispanic.
— European American

If I were Hispanic, I would have no other reason to be mad at my employer.

How many people need to be maimed, disabled and killed before the Iowa Legislature takes action on cell phones in moving vehicles?
— Live near high school

I’d like to see a tally of persons maimed by cell phone use while driving… Also, let he who is without a cell phone cast the first stone! I’m constantly using my cell phone while driving… I twitter, facebook, text, and every once and a while actually talk while en route here to there. I also find myself angered by others doing the same. I don’t look at this as hypocritical though – Those other people are more than likely not as awesome as I am at driving while distracted. I’m big on do as I say, not as I do. I assume everybody is this way; especially, those who live near high schools.

Cell phones should be banned from all public places. Make them go outside to talk. I’m a nonsmoker, and I’d rather be around a smoker in a restaurant or store than listen to an unnecessary conversation. Cell users are more inconsiderate than a smoker ever was.
— Fed up with cell phones

Srsly!?! You may be fed up, person who is no doubt above age 40, but I have important business to attend to no matter where I am (and I have absolutely zero important business to attend to). What should be banned in public places, is not knowing how to speak at a reasonable volume on your cell phone in a public space. Before continuing your argument, “Fed up,” I’d try to find more info. linking cell phone usage to cancer. Then, start a television ad campaign aimed at Big Cellular. You’ll want to exemplify the mass death caused by their product, preferably by taping post-cards to baby dolls in fake blood. Then, lobby local government to intervene in people’s lives even more than they already do. There should be rules for everything! I want the government to regulate how much time I can spend sleeping… maybe they’ll get me out of bed and on my feet as a productive member of society! Anyhow, if you don’t want to listen to mindless conversations, blow your brains out. They’re unavoidable. I don’t go to bars as a way of regulating how much bull shit my ears are subjected to. Baby steps.

All quotes taken from The Des Moines Register’s “2 Cents’ Worth” from March 19, 2009.

• Laundry (I’m out of clean socks and  underwear (currently, living free as the wind blows)
• Study classic Odd Couple episodes for parodying in BattleED sketch
• Write outline for Odd Couple parody sketch
• Watch this week’s episode of Delocated (srsly, the best thing on TV/iTunes)
• Poop (this task was literally just added to the list)
• Finish this list and poop

Sorry Kate Beckinsdale, there’s a new Britty-lady taxing my heart strings w/o representation.  I had no idea who Emily Blunt is/was until the trailer for Sunshine Cleaners found its way to the Fleur.  She acts opposite Amy Adams and looks like the type a’lady I would like to hang out with for an afternoon… back porch style (no inuendo intended).  I hear she’s been linked to Mikey Boobiglia (sp?).  (I don’t care to look up the correct spelling of his name.) He’s the guy who sings all Dean Martin-style and was in that one movie opposite Krista Allen (it was terrible and you didn’t see it).  Well Ms. Blunt, if you ever get down on all that bobba-boo’ing, maybe I can chobba-cheer you up? (I can also not make awful puns… just so you know.)

Once again, Pepsi and the Orange Crush Soda product have nothing to do with this (unless they want to be – e-mail me w/ monetary compensation details).

I watched the Watchmen yesterday afternoon (in a huge crowd of five other people, all probably over age sixty). I didn’t hate it, despite telling Fanciful Tattoos blogger, Chris, that I would just to spite him. I’m sorry Chris’ face. I didn’t mean the hurtful things I said to you. I thought it was an excellent simplification of the graffic novel and well shot (despite the action scenes being a bit cheesy… SLOW MOTION KNEE TO STOMACH!). Sure, the intro was a bit Wes Anderson (SLOW MOTION SET TO SEVENTIES MUSIC!)… but how about the gore and the sexy sexiness!?! The bonus (bogus) scene (“nobody wants a cowboy in the White House” commentary) was kind of effing stupid… in fact, it was super duper dumb. I still enjoyed the movie! I did not enjoy the awful stomach cramps during the climax as I tried to delay a much-needed restroom break. I brought it on myself by ordering the large Sprite… damn my insatiable thirst!

A couple buddies and I finally decided on the name of our upcoming website last night. If you follow me on twitter, you may’ve seen it. I’m not going to say it again, so you’ll either have to Sherlock my twitter or just wait for me to talk about it here, later. The site will be a catch all for our collective blogs, podcast, and some video/audio projects. I’ve got a few assignments from our meeting last night, one of which is destroying me via self-contained laughter. I’ll probably post more about this after our meeting next Wednesday.

The Pirates are now 8-4-1 in Spring Training.